"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
