I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
