i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
