Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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