so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
