just come out here and I will go home with you...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
