New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
