so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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