I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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