Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
tell me about the eggs
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