I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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