Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
