I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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