True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
