you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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