Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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