I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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