dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
