Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
