They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
