I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
