It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
