I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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