then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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