If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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