i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
