just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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