It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
