so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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