Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
