but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
