My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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