just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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