3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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