Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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