Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
