Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we're making bets on your personal life
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
