I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
