True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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