My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
