You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
