So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
