Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
