i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
