I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
