Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
