I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
