Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
