every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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