Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
